I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
