I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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