I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
