I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
