My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
