now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
