My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
