after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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