My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
