Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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