Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
