can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
