the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize