Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
