I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
