I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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