i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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