ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
