How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He passed out mid-signature
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
