Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize