All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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