My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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