my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
