dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
