My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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