I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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