when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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