why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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