my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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