I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When are your genitals available?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
