I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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