Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
