Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
