your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
