THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
