The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
