If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
