I cannot find my penis.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
40s are totally the cure
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
