i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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