you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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