I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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