After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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