Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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