I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
