Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
