ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
