you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
