I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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