My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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