I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
