I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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