I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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