i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
