i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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