I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
