so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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