Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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