I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize