I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
