He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
