distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
