Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize