On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
