His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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